IT'S TIME

2012.

What a year.

2013.

BRING IT ON.

In the span of a few months I have left my life in limbo. Joining the millions of unemployed in the world. I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I've left university to follow a life in music. To follow my passion that I have been ignoring for way to long.

My mother introduced me to Vision College. The only Christian Music College offering a Music degree in new Zealand. I can't say that the paper work has been easy. That would be a lie. There is a lot of it and to say they are more then thorough is an understatement but, so far it has been worth it. I actually just finished the last bits of it. Completing my application by completing my final essay. Now I just have to get through auditions. Fingers mega crossed.

Now, I'm not often one to openly admit being emotional about certain things but this application has musically slapped me in the face. To put it bluntly. After having to go through and collect all my certificates together and reading through all the testimonials ever written for me, I am full of feelings of sadness. Questions. Never ending questions. They run through my head over and over.

Why did you ever quit?

Where would you be now?

What if you had not ignored this part of you?

Was it worth it?

Do you regret it?

So many questions. All of them hurt so much. I feel like I have denied myself from being me by suppressing this part of me. Hopefully though this is the start of the right path. After taking that first step into my future I don't see myself stepping back into my past again anytime soon.

This IS me.
This IS who I am.

I will NOT let it go again.

EXPOSED

So, I know I haven't posted in a long time but you all know me I usually only write when I have one of the following three: inspiration, motivation or I'm emotional. I started writing a song today. At first I didn't want to post it on here because it's like the rawest of everything I'm feeling right now and I know this will annoy the people involved. However, I'm no longer going to stay silent about my feelings an what's going on with me. No one person has the right to take that away from me and if this offends then just don't read it. As much as I have a choice to put this here, you have the choice to read it or not.. If you do read this, persons involved, just know, that I didn't feel like this until you took away from me the one thing I thought I'd always have. I can't articulate as well as you in words how I feel and you know this is my self expression so don't read between the lines, because the words here come straight from the darkest corners of my heart. Without further delay here I go....

It's time to move forward.
Leave the past behind.
To build myself up and not fall down.
I'm stronger then I've ever been.
Should've known aat the start.
  Too dependent on you,
  Too reliant on you,
  Looking away from you.
Now I'm falling apart.

Was it worth it?
To walk away like you did?
To let those years fall away?
To let his friendship fall?
I should be used to it by now.
  Too dependent on you,
  Too reliant on you,
  Breaking your promises.
Now it's my turn to fall apart.

You taught me to talk,
You taught me to cry.
I watched you grow,
We let us fly.
This didn't have to be the end.
But you've chosen your path ahead.
Now all that's left to heal.
A painful good-bye.

Is it my fault that I feel this way?
I watched you cry.
I never felt a thing.
The reason being,
I thought you'd always be there.
  But you chose your way,
  You turned around,
  Left no friendship.
Now I'm finally falling apart.

BOYS AND CONFESSIONS

Hey everyone, again it's been a little while since I last wrote anything but, here are two topics that have been annoying me for a while that I thought I would touch on today...!

BOYS:

Recently I find myself being in the centre of a lot of heart break and disappointment. Most of this because some guys just don't get some of the rules of dating/knowing a girl. I'm going to elaborate on a  single rule (seeing as I could probably go on and on with this topic).

Rule:

NEVER and I mean NEVER kiss a girl because you don't want to be 'friendzoned', bring up her hopes, play with her emotions and then a few days later drop her like a hot potato... That's not cool...

You can't go around playing so many girls... Pick one and focus... It's so irresponsible to tell a girl that you are into her, that you've liked her for so long and for her to create hope surrounding this... Just because she likes you, you do NOT  have the right to kiss her and then walk away... If you going to tell her it was an error on your part keep your lips and your tongue to yourself... 

CONFESSIONS:

Ok so what in the world is up with all these flipping Facebook confessions pages? Do you guys and girls really think that the world needs to hear about all your disgusting sex stories and about how you fantasise and stalk the people that you like? People get put in jail for obsessively stalking people...

Here's to the internet once again creating cowards out of people... Whatever happened to just fronting up facing the world? If you like someone write them a letter and hand it to them if you can't bring yourself to open your mouth in front of them. Buy them a flower or just bloody well work up the guts to ask them out... Cowards everywhere these days... -sigh- You people do know that even though you posting on FB about these people most of them probably still aren't aware of your existence...

Secondly about all the sex confessions... I'd rather not be aware of the fact that you were banged in the library and that you had a one night stand with your boyfriends, brothers, best friend while your mister was out of town... We know that you girls/guys are sleazy but jc does the world need to know, not to mention the reputation you guys are giving the rest of the students who attend the same university (as an example)... What ever happened to people being respectful to others and to themselves, there truly is no honour left in some corners of the universe.... 

Admittedly I occasionally read some of these pages but mostly because some of the stuff people put up is so ridiculous it makes for a good laugh on a gloomy day but still i think its disgusting how both men and women can be so gutless and shameless... 

Rant over for today... 

I'M BACK

For a while now I haven't been able to come here. My ver own blog. The memories and tribulations stated upon this internet sheet of paper were so harmful in that time I was so fragile. I couldn't allow myself to come back not after everything that happened. Now though. I find comfort and hope in the things that have passed, the things that were written. We are often the truest forms of ourselves when we are most vulnerable and I see that now. When we are most vulnerable is when some things will most affect us and change our lives either for the better or the worse.

So what have I bee up to lately?

Well the answer to that of course is I haven't actually been up to much lately. I have though been more involved in the lives of people that I care about and love more then anything in this world. Whether it be with my SPIRIT DEMON, family or friends. I feel like I have been more in touch with the world lately and that has helped me settle in my mind.

New friends I'm still forming relationships with are also ever present in my life as we walk along a journey together of healing and strength towards our future goals. In life we hold so little close to our hearts that when those little things start disappearing we really realise the difference that they made, BUT, the disappearance of one thing can add to the addition of another. So to all my friends old and new know that I am thankful for the fact that you are in my life and that you are in your own ways there for me always.

On a more serious note.

It's back to the Orthopedic Surgeon this coming THURSDAY! In a way I can't wait to see him. IN a way I'm not. I can't wait for the day that I will be able to play sports, dance and just live life to the fullest without being in pain. My knee injury has somewhat over the past few months/weeks changed my outlook on some parts of my life. We go through life taking for granted a lot of the things that we do everyday over and over again in this subconscious way of life that sometimes we lead. I have seen those things. Missed them to the point of tears. Even pain itself is not as painful as the loss of quality of life. Now I know that the quality of life I lead in this moment is not completely lost but some things that you hold dear to you, once you cannot do them any longer can hurt you in some very strange ways. So back to the Doctor to sort this thing out once and for all.

A Special Note for You! You will know who you are!

I read something once upon a time. Actually, not too long ago. You just have to follow your heart, follow your 6th sense that I know you possess. Maybe what you are looking for won't be there in this very instance of your life, but you NEVER know what your future will hold for you. Stick it out and you will find the answers. Whether or not they are reciprocated right now is not important but the acknowledgement of the same feeling you have is the key. Give it time. What you felt once you could very possibly feel again one day. I have faith in your ability to know the truth.

ANYWAY! After all of that I must say good-bye for now and farewell because I have work to do! Yo ti amo Español!