HEARTBROKEN 2

Not again. This cannot be happening again.

It has barely been a year wince we lost my beloved grandmother. I tell you what. When you are a South African living a world apart from the family you have left behind there is never any good news that comes with an early morning phone call. More bad news.

07/06/2016 @ 05:20am I stirred in my sleep as I received a call from my dad. "Mark Delport" showing on my caller ID. It took me a while to rouse from my sleep and realise that my father was trying to get hold of me. After I had somewhat fully woken up my heart dropped as I answered that call. I wish I could go back in time but that is simply not possible. I wish I did not have to the person to answer that call. Wish that it could have happened to someone else (as narcissistic as that is).

My beloved grandfather may you find eternal rest in God's loving embrace. I know that you have gone to a better place. I know that you have moved on to be with your loving wife and all our family that has gone before us but I miss you. I have always missed you. We said good-bye in December 2015. I hugged you and cried on your shoulder as I said farewell knowing that it would be my last. I had however, had not expected to see you go so soon.

When we saw you in December to bury Granny you had a spring in your step that was refreshing. A step like you had regained a whole new life.

There is so much I would like to say Oupie but for now I feel like words have left me. I am numb and am slowly coming to terms with your loss.

My beloved Oupie, 

I find myself lost for words. This is too soon. I had not expected to have to share memories again so soon. Over the many years we have been blessed to share together we have made so many memories. 

One thing that is abundantly clear, everyone agrees that you are a caring, kind and loving man. So many people who knew you and Granny have pretty much all said the same thing about the both of you. They all have their own memories but I think those that we shared were extra special. 

I know that I have to keep this short, but how is that possible when there are so many memories that I would like to share. Let us start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. 

My earliest memories of you Oupie consist of after school running through the little corn field/vegetable patch you had at St Luke Rd. Consistently I can remember spending hours in the garden with you tending to the flowers and killing crickets. You even taught me how to ride a bicycle. 

I can remember summer holidays with you. Learning how to knit and playing rummy. I miss playing rummy with you. Both you and Granny made sure that all your grandkids never had a shortage of jerseys. Evenings spending time watching 7 de Laan, you would make each of the kids coffee. I wish I could replicate that coffee. 

Over the past 36 hours we have all shared many memories of you with each other. Remembering the little things that make you special to us.

We may have another angel in heaven but Oupie we will never forget you and I can guarantee that we will be sharing our memories for a long time to come. I love you my dearest Oupie. I miss you. Forever in our hearts may you find eternal rest.

Rest in peace my beloved grandpappy. I love you xo

HEARTBROKEN

To a woman who has endured so much pain and suffering. You have moved on from this world and will now join our Father in Heaven. You will no longer experience pain. You will no longer have to endure the many ills that being in this world brings. You were one of the strongest people I will ever know. You fought so hard for so long but now you have passed from this world into another where there is no more pain, suffering and heart ache. Only love, life and happiness.

To my beloved grandmother.

Dearest Granny,

My heart is breaking. There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. So many things I wish I could do with you. We were in the shops earlier buying a photo frame and some flowers for you and myself and Angelique were talking about some memories with you. We were reminiscing over how no one was ever allowed to push the trolley but you. Walking arm in arm down the aisles, being reminded of how we used to do the same with you and Oupie.

My dearest granny there are so many milestones that I still need to cross. Milestones I'd hoped to cross with you still there to see me. All my life I have grown up with my grandparents more often then not thinking about how you'd always be there in my future. I never thought I'd lose you. For 24years, I could probably count on my hands the number of times I actually thought about having to say good-bye. In reality having to say it and thinking about it are two very different things.

I wish that I could've been there to kiss your head one last time. To whisper I love you. To hold your hand and sing you songs while stroking your silky soft skin. David told me he brushed your hair one last time for all of us and it brought a small smile to my face. When we found out that you had your stroke and we were getting ready to put dad on a plane I tried to write you a letter for dad to read. So many thoughts going through my head, a pen in my hand and all I could do was stare at that blank piece of paper in front of me. Over and over I kept repeating to myself, "How do you say good-bye to someone you love. Someone you've known your whole life. Someone that's made you laugh, cry and comforted you." Words don't come so easily. Aunty Tania told me today about how you still have your blackboard. How the very last message I wrote on it is still there and about how no one was allowed to go near it. This reminded me of the bond of love that families share. That even though distance may be between us, we never stop thinking about one another.

Granny. I've spent most of today sleeping. Trying not to feel any pain. Trying to get through. This morning I got my teddy off the shelf and have kept it right beside me the whole day. Can you remember? It is the teddy I made for you, gave to you. The teddy with the little nappy and white dress you made for my dolls. A few years ago you gave this teddy back to me saying, "Here my girl, take this with you in case something happens to me and I can't give it back to you." I pleaded with you to keep it, that it didn't matter and that I would rather you keep it. In your granny wisdom you explained to me that if I had it I would be able to look on the teddy and remember you, a reminder that you will always be there. Just like my teddy had served as a reminder for you. Well granny you were right. Today teddy came off my shelf and has offered my soul a very small amount of comfort.

I'm getting married at the end of next year granny. William and myself have been working on a guest list. I can now no longer send you your invite. I knew all along that you weren't going to be able to make it but I wanted to at least invite you to my special day. Your ring given to me will be worn on this day as a remembrance to you. Now you'll never get to see my dress. My children will never know you in person. Your memory will live on forever in my heart. William wishes he could have met you in person. Today he spent some time crying with me, feeling your loss with the rest of our family. He really enjoyed the time we spoke with you and Oupie on Skype. Oh granny how I wish you could've met him in person. I think you would've like him. He is being so strong for me. This whole week while I have been falling apart, he has been holding me up.

I'm so grateful that I was able to gaze upon your face once last time before all of this happened. That I got to talk to you a few weeks ago. Granny I need to apologise to you. I'm sorry I never called more when I was at mom and dads. It was just so hard for me to talk to you and Oupie on the phone. Only William has been witness to my tears and my sorrow at being so far from you, from not being able to talk to you all the time. I'm so sorry. It was just so hard for me. So terrifying hearing you and Oupie, knowing that one day this would happen. It was so hard for me to call and not be able to have long conversations with you and Oupie. To hear the sorrow in your voice or the illness that held you captive. I don't know if you knew granny but every time I spoke to you, I had to fight back tears and now they flow freely while my heart continues to break.

Granny I know that you will always be here and that you will never truly leave my heart. Please don't be sad that you have left us. Although we are all hurting a lot at this time we will eventually be ok given the right amount of time to heal. Don't cry for us but be happy in your new life.

Here is a beautiful song with some lovely lyrics that I want for you. Granny this I dedicate to you.
FLY - Celine Dion

" Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light. "

My angel and my Granny I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH. I hope that one day I will be able to visit you in South Africa again. I already know that one day we will be reunited in the house of our Lord Jesus Christ and that there will be no more sadness only joy. I look forward to the day that I can once again run into your loving arms. 

REST IN PEACE. 

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN.

11/09/2015

Your loving granddaughter...

xo

THAT MOMENT

In the story of Tinkerbell it is said that the first laugh of a child is what creates a new fairy.

All of this.
This life.
These emotions.
They all started like this.

Strangers. The first meeting of any pair of people really. Nothing too flash. Nothing overly simple. Really it was an unmemorable memorable moment which ended in an exchange of numbers.

Weeks passed. Months passed.Years passed.

SILENCE.

Then a "hello" or a "how are you". Long conversations all about how you were dressed that night years ago when we first met and even shorter conversations about myself.

Time once again passing by to lead us along different paths.

Suddenly.

You became an integral part of my life. God forbid I actually remember when, but, for the longest time I can recall, you have ALWAYS been there. A friend without an agenda. Someone who listened and listened and listened. Many a conversation have we shared over sleepless nights. You were there at my lowest. Walking me through and leading me back. You were there at my highest. Proud of yourself more then me as ever.

Weakness to strength. Strength to ability. We have built a foundation that has; no matter the weeks, months or years of silence, withstood the tests of time.

Then one day it happened. It was a mild spring afternoon. Nothing out of our ordinary. I visited. You drove. We ate. We drank. We sang.

YOU rapped.

-double take-

YOU RAPPED.

For many days I have sat here wondering. Agonizingly trying to pinpoint the moment. And I now know.

The moment.
One moment.

Everything that is nothing but everything had lead up to that moment when I knew that you were it. That all those years of flitting and dancing and escaping were over. That moment...


Was the moment you captured me.

SOMETHING BUT NOTHING

Ever just wake up and feel nothing? That is how I felt yesterday. Aside from feeling sick all day and having a fever I landed up just staring into space and questioning how I actually felt in that moment. I had no answer. No matter how much I questioned I could not find an answer.

Hours later I found myself going through the motions of getting ready for dance and my mood picked up slightly. After teaching the class everything changed. With the draining of energy comes the renewed desperation to find the answer I had been searching for all day. Feeling dizzy and disorientated I would close my eyes and just rest my head until would someone would ask if I was ok and all I could say was I am just sleepy. Why? Maybe because I did not know if I was ok? I could feel myself going through the motions of falling deeper into the black hole I had been trying so hard to climb out of recently. Then it hit me. I had finally in my exhaustion figured out what I was feeling. I felt absolutely nothing. Not happiness. Not sadness. Not worry. Absolutely nothing. 

Pure emotionless nothing.

I am so tired of feeling empty and up and down.

I need some answers...