HEARTBROKEN 2

Not again. This cannot be happening again.

It has barely been a year wince we lost my beloved grandmother. I tell you what. When you are a South African living a world apart from the family you have left behind there is never any good news that comes with an early morning phone call. More bad news.

07/06/2016 @ 05:20am I stirred in my sleep as I received a call from my dad. "Mark Delport" showing on my caller ID. It took me a while to rouse from my sleep and realise that my father was trying to get hold of me. After I had somewhat fully woken up my heart dropped as I answered that call. I wish I could go back in time but that is simply not possible. I wish I did not have to the person to answer that call. Wish that it could have happened to someone else (as narcissistic as that is).

My beloved grandfather may you find eternal rest in God's loving embrace. I know that you have gone to a better place. I know that you have moved on to be with your loving wife and all our family that has gone before us but I miss you. I have always missed you. We said good-bye in December 2015. I hugged you and cried on your shoulder as I said farewell knowing that it would be my last. I had however, had not expected to see you go so soon.

When we saw you in December to bury Granny you had a spring in your step that was refreshing. A step like you had regained a whole new life.

There is so much I would like to say Oupie but for now I feel like words have left me. I am numb and am slowly coming to terms with your loss.

My beloved Oupie, 

I find myself lost for words. This is too soon. I had not expected to have to share memories again so soon. Over the many years we have been blessed to share together we have made so many memories. 

One thing that is abundantly clear, everyone agrees that you are a caring, kind and loving man. So many people who knew you and Granny have pretty much all said the same thing about the both of you. They all have their own memories but I think those that we shared were extra special. 

I know that I have to keep this short, but how is that possible when there are so many memories that I would like to share. Let us start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. 

My earliest memories of you Oupie consist of after school running through the little corn field/vegetable patch you had at St Luke Rd. Consistently I can remember spending hours in the garden with you tending to the flowers and killing crickets. You even taught me how to ride a bicycle. 

I can remember summer holidays with you. Learning how to knit and playing rummy. I miss playing rummy with you. Both you and Granny made sure that all your grandkids never had a shortage of jerseys. Evenings spending time watching 7 de Laan, you would make each of the kids coffee. I wish I could replicate that coffee. 

Over the past 36 hours we have all shared many memories of you with each other. Remembering the little things that make you special to us.

We may have another angel in heaven but Oupie we will never forget you and I can guarantee that we will be sharing our memories for a long time to come. I love you my dearest Oupie. I miss you. Forever in our hearts may you find eternal rest.

Rest in peace my beloved grandpappy. I love you xo

HEARTBROKEN

To a woman who has endured so much pain and suffering. You have moved on from this world and will now join our Father in Heaven. You will no longer experience pain. You will no longer have to endure the many ills that being in this world brings. You were one of the strongest people I will ever know. You fought so hard for so long but now you have passed from this world into another where there is no more pain, suffering and heart ache. Only love, life and happiness.

To my beloved grandmother.

Dearest Granny,

My heart is breaking. There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. So many things I wish I could do with you. We were in the shops earlier buying a photo frame and some flowers for you and myself and Angelique were talking about some memories with you. We were reminiscing over how no one was ever allowed to push the trolley but you. Walking arm in arm down the aisles, being reminded of how we used to do the same with you and Oupie.

My dearest granny there are so many milestones that I still need to cross. Milestones I'd hoped to cross with you still there to see me. All my life I have grown up with my grandparents more often then not thinking about how you'd always be there in my future. I never thought I'd lose you. For 24years, I could probably count on my hands the number of times I actually thought about having to say good-bye. In reality having to say it and thinking about it are two very different things.

I wish that I could've been there to kiss your head one last time. To whisper I love you. To hold your hand and sing you songs while stroking your silky soft skin. David told me he brushed your hair one last time for all of us and it brought a small smile to my face. When we found out that you had your stroke and we were getting ready to put dad on a plane I tried to write you a letter for dad to read. So many thoughts going through my head, a pen in my hand and all I could do was stare at that blank piece of paper in front of me. Over and over I kept repeating to myself, "How do you say good-bye to someone you love. Someone you've known your whole life. Someone that's made you laugh, cry and comforted you." Words don't come so easily. Aunty Tania told me today about how you still have your blackboard. How the very last message I wrote on it is still there and about how no one was allowed to go near it. This reminded me of the bond of love that families share. That even though distance may be between us, we never stop thinking about one another.

Granny. I've spent most of today sleeping. Trying not to feel any pain. Trying to get through. This morning I got my teddy off the shelf and have kept it right beside me the whole day. Can you remember? It is the teddy I made for you, gave to you. The teddy with the little nappy and white dress you made for my dolls. A few years ago you gave this teddy back to me saying, "Here my girl, take this with you in case something happens to me and I can't give it back to you." I pleaded with you to keep it, that it didn't matter and that I would rather you keep it. In your granny wisdom you explained to me that if I had it I would be able to look on the teddy and remember you, a reminder that you will always be there. Just like my teddy had served as a reminder for you. Well granny you were right. Today teddy came off my shelf and has offered my soul a very small amount of comfort.

I'm getting married at the end of next year granny. William and myself have been working on a guest list. I can now no longer send you your invite. I knew all along that you weren't going to be able to make it but I wanted to at least invite you to my special day. Your ring given to me will be worn on this day as a remembrance to you. Now you'll never get to see my dress. My children will never know you in person. Your memory will live on forever in my heart. William wishes he could have met you in person. Today he spent some time crying with me, feeling your loss with the rest of our family. He really enjoyed the time we spoke with you and Oupie on Skype. Oh granny how I wish you could've met him in person. I think you would've like him. He is being so strong for me. This whole week while I have been falling apart, he has been holding me up.

I'm so grateful that I was able to gaze upon your face once last time before all of this happened. That I got to talk to you a few weeks ago. Granny I need to apologise to you. I'm sorry I never called more when I was at mom and dads. It was just so hard for me to talk to you and Oupie on the phone. Only William has been witness to my tears and my sorrow at being so far from you, from not being able to talk to you all the time. I'm so sorry. It was just so hard for me. So terrifying hearing you and Oupie, knowing that one day this would happen. It was so hard for me to call and not be able to have long conversations with you and Oupie. To hear the sorrow in your voice or the illness that held you captive. I don't know if you knew granny but every time I spoke to you, I had to fight back tears and now they flow freely while my heart continues to break.

Granny I know that you will always be here and that you will never truly leave my heart. Please don't be sad that you have left us. Although we are all hurting a lot at this time we will eventually be ok given the right amount of time to heal. Don't cry for us but be happy in your new life.

Here is a beautiful song with some lovely lyrics that I want for you. Granny this I dedicate to you.
FLY - Celine Dion

" Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light. "

My angel and my Granny I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH. I hope that one day I will be able to visit you in South Africa again. I already know that one day we will be reunited in the house of our Lord Jesus Christ and that there will be no more sadness only joy. I look forward to the day that I can once again run into your loving arms. 

REST IN PEACE. 

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN.

11/09/2015

Your loving granddaughter...

xo

THAT MOMENT

In the story of Tinkerbell it is said that the first laugh of a child is what creates a new fairy.

All of this.
This life.
These emotions.
They all started like this.

Strangers. The first meeting of any pair of people really. Nothing too flash. Nothing overly simple. Really it was an unmemorable memorable moment which ended in an exchange of numbers.

Weeks passed. Months passed.Years passed.

SILENCE.

Then a "hello" or a "how are you". Long conversations all about how you were dressed that night years ago when we first met and even shorter conversations about myself.

Time once again passing by to lead us along different paths.

Suddenly.

You became an integral part of my life. God forbid I actually remember when, but, for the longest time I can recall, you have ALWAYS been there. A friend without an agenda. Someone who listened and listened and listened. Many a conversation have we shared over sleepless nights. You were there at my lowest. Walking me through and leading me back. You were there at my highest. Proud of yourself more then me as ever.

Weakness to strength. Strength to ability. We have built a foundation that has; no matter the weeks, months or years of silence, withstood the tests of time.

Then one day it happened. It was a mild spring afternoon. Nothing out of our ordinary. I visited. You drove. We ate. We drank. We sang.

YOU rapped.

-double take-

YOU RAPPED.

For many days I have sat here wondering. Agonizingly trying to pinpoint the moment. And I now know.

The moment.
One moment.

Everything that is nothing but everything had lead up to that moment when I knew that you were it. That all those years of flitting and dancing and escaping were over. That moment...


Was the moment you captured me.

SOMETHING BUT NOTHING

Ever just wake up and feel nothing? That is how I felt yesterday. Aside from feeling sick all day and having a fever I landed up just staring into space and questioning how I actually felt in that moment. I had no answer. No matter how much I questioned I could not find an answer.

Hours later I found myself going through the motions of getting ready for dance and my mood picked up slightly. After teaching the class everything changed. With the draining of energy comes the renewed desperation to find the answer I had been searching for all day. Feeling dizzy and disorientated I would close my eyes and just rest my head until would someone would ask if I was ok and all I could say was I am just sleepy. Why? Maybe because I did not know if I was ok? I could feel myself going through the motions of falling deeper into the black hole I had been trying so hard to climb out of recently. Then it hit me. I had finally in my exhaustion figured out what I was feeling. I felt absolutely nothing. Not happiness. Not sadness. Not worry. Absolutely nothing. 

Pure emotionless nothing.

I am so tired of feeling empty and up and down.

I need some answers...

SCARS

Happiness.

What is it? Some days I wake up and it is like I can not remember the last time I was truly happy. One day I wake up and I think "today will be a good day" but then I see those photos from way back when. From a time that the happiness was written on my face instead of just placed there as an outward mask to avoid the onslaught of inevitable questions. Today for me is one of those days. One of those times where I woke up ok and perky but everything just seems to be slipping out of hand as the day progresses. Today I feel alone.

Sitting here in silence is possibly the worst of everything though. In moments like this time allows me years to reflect upon. Time allows for everything to come to the fore front and for the cogs of my mind to work. Like a clock with an infinite amount of battery I am left to reflect on the past, the present and the future. Yesterday I was happy. Today I am troubled. Tomorrow I will be...?

Not too long ago I started putting together a photo board of some memories that I have made over the past few years. Memories that I hold close to my heart. Moments I spent with people that truly brought my inner happiness out to the surface. People are on this board that have made amazing and everlasting impacts on my life. Do not get me wrong this board carries pain as well but, today it just stands as a reminder for what I had, what I lost and what I have to work towards.

These things that we all close everyday. Family. Friends. Partners. Business. Money. Pets. They all mean nothing in the greater significance of the inner self. Yes they help build who you are a person but, fundamentally if you are not ok with you then those things are insignificant. Over the past months I have had and lost some form of these things. Every time creating a new memory that will heal eventually (in terms of the bad ones) leaving a new scar in its place.

There have been moments with some of these people that have brought me to where I am today. Moments that horrified me. Scarred me so deeply that I will NEVER forget the hurt that they caused. People can forgive and forget. Yes, we have that ability. Some times it is not that easy though. Do you know what it is like to hold so much hope inside of you to only have it wrenched away? To think that certain people would always be there for you but really when it comes to the punch they are no where to be found? My counsellor says I try to hard to save the people in my life and give too much of myself in the process. I think today I have finally realised what the gravity of what he said was. So often I cling to the hope that people will change. That if I give of myself and my time that they will see how much effort I put in to them becoming a better person and they will change. I still have not learnt my lesson. I hold so much hope for some people only to have it thrown back at me. Old habits die very hard for some of us. Well I can not do it anymore. I refuse to give more of me to please the need of others to diminish life. You want to do the wrongs things then that is on you. I will no longer be a part of it. Time for me to think of me.

Sorry for the confusion of this post. My mind is in a muddle. A flurry of thoughts that never freaking ends. Sleep is for the dead too apparently. Did not sleep last night because my mind would not stop churning.

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY

Once again it has been way to long since I have blogged anything, but as we all know life keeps you super busy. Since I last blogged so much has happened. I have met the man of my dreams and we are now engaged, I have the cutest little step son Alex and I have two very cuddly, very adorable fur babies. So much time has passed. So many things have happened. So much good and equally as much bad, which brings me to the reason for this blog.

I suffer from anxiety and depression. It is not something I have always battled but, it is something that i never truly acknowledged within myself until it was a bit too late. In saying that however, I do not mean too late as in suicidal. I mean too late as in I had to have a breakdown to realise that the silence I was keeping hidden was destroying me. My mom could see it, my fiancé could see it even some of my friends could see it but, I remained consciously ignoring it.

Today marks one year since I moved out of my family home and down to Hamilton. Leaving behind my mother, father, sister and little brother to continue life's journey. I remember my first few months in Hamilton. I felt so alone. I cried many times in those first few weeks. Longing for my family and wishing I could turn back and go home. I chose to carry on forwards and to stop looking back and eventually everything settled. Getting in a habitual routine really helped with things those first few months. I found somewhere to salsa and once I had music and dance life settled into a steady rhythm. I met William at salsa and by August we became an official couple.

Time moved forward and at times life was a roller coaster ride that I wanted to jump off of but, persistently followed.

Enter 2014.

What many people did not know, outside of my family. Was all the things going on in my life that i felt I could not talk to anyone about. Sure i spoke to my mom about how I felt but, sometimes that is not enough. My gran was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of the year (after already having beaten cancer once before) and about four days after this I found out my cousin had tried to kill himself after hearing the news. I felt helpless. I felt even worse that I was not with my family. With my dad, at this time when he needed people who understood, when he needed family. I felt defeated that he could not fly across the world to South Africa to be with his mother. On the path of my cousin, I felt as though I had been a bad cousin. Like I had not been reaching out enough to him. That I was not there when he needed me most. It is hard though. Hard to be there all the time when oceans and timezones separate families. I had never truly understood the impact that was caused when we moved to New Zealand until this year. I had always enjoyed being here and enjoyed the life that I have now. The life I live because of a sacrifice my parents made to give us a better life. I now truly appreciate that sacrifice even though it can be a double edged sword sometimes.

Just after all of this one of my friends who was in Australia to study and au pair went through her own trials as her family in South Africa were hijacked, tied up and robbed at gun point. My heart bled for her. Knowing how this feels. To be so far away from your family and hear that kind of news. All us expats know that those 3am wake up calls never mean anything good. I could feel her pain. My own grandparents had been hijacked since we moved here. Our family friend brutally murdered. Those things haunt you. Survivors "guilt" is a very real experience. To feel helpless. To feel bad for not being there. It is something that a lot of us live with but not all of us discuss with some people. After all, how do you talk about these things with people who do not understand what it is like. With people who can not sympathise with you on that level. It is not an easy road.

ANGELIQUE:

As some of you will know I have never had an amazing sibling relationship with Angelique. We grew up constantly fighting and under appreciating our sisterly bond. We (especially me) spent a lot of her younger years always fighting with each other and being down right nasty and horrible to one another. So when it came to me leaving the house last year, I realised how much time I had thrown away with her and have been trying to mend our relationship ever since. Do not get me wrong we can still have our good arguments with one another but, nothing will ever break this new bond we share. Some of you will know that last year Angel was diagnosed with Pain Syndrome. A disease that messes with the nerves and brain and leaves the patient in excruciating unreasonable pain. It started with her legs and slowly and progressively moved throughout her body. At some points causing her so much pain she could not work and as a result she missed a lot of school. I have not told many people this but, being away from her in those times was so hard. For her to be going through all of that and for me as her big sister not being there for her was unbearable. I felt responsible for not being there. I used to carry that burden of silence with me everyday. Then she got better and things were fine for a while. Bring in this year and wham more bad news. I get a phone call one day from my mother explaining that my sister, my little Angel has a fast growing bone tumour. At this stage known of us knew what to expect. We did not know if the tumour was malignant or benign. We just knew that it was growing and causing Angel a lot of pain. More doctor visits and trips to Starship later Angel was scheduled for surgery. Closely surrounded by the surgeon, her operating team and her pain team she underwent the surgery to remove the tumour. Being there was so hard. It was worse then not being there. To see how much she has had to grow up over the past two years. You sit back and observe her talking to the doctors, as if she is an adult and you wonder to yourself, "why her?". She is a little girl who should be running around free outside and enjoying barbie dolls still. Getting into all those preteen things like boys and make-up. She should not have to be taking medication everyday like old people do. She should not have to be confined to the four walls of her bedroom or to the many walls of the house because she is in so much pain.

All of this started becoming just too much for me to handle and one day a few weeks ago I just lost it. Dealing with hives that started occurring out of no where again, like a couple years back. Consistently being sick myself and catching every little virus or bacterial infection in the air. I just could not deal with life anymore. Life became simply too much to bear and I broke down. I screamed. I cried. I shook uncontrollably. Still I stayed silent. Silent to all my fears. Silent to the self realisation that I was not ok. That I was not in the bright happy place my face showed to all the people around me. I realised that the path I had chosen so long ago had now led me here. To this moment of self destruction. This moment where I became nothing more then an empty shell. It took a lot for me to approach my doctor about this. It took even more for me to be open to my mother about how I had been feeling for so long. Having to acknowledge that certain things that I felt bad about were out of my control and not my fault.  It is no easy task to step back from life and say "I have a problem." To stand back and reach out for help. No one on this earth likes to be seen as being weak or vulnerable. What makes this harder though is when you do try and reach out and people tell you that you are being silly and ridiculous. That all of this is only in your head. I think back to many years ago when i felt this same way. When I felt constantly held down. Some people noticed whereas, others did not. Those who did notice often turned me away saying I was being stupid. I now realise that what they were saying is that, they did not understand what it was like to feel so hopeless. They had no concept of what it was like to wake up some days and not be able to drag yourself out of bed. What it was like to cry for hours for no other reason then because you were feeling so worthless.

Depression/Anxiety is something that some people in society do not really like to acknowledge. However, I have come to realise it is OK. It is alright to have a bad day and be honest about it. It is ok to get up some days and not smile because you are feeling blue. It is ok to have those days where you can not get out of bed because all you want to do is hide away from the world. It is those days though, where people truly need friends and family though. A person on there own can not combat this. I know. I tried and failed miserably. Knowing now that very few people are there for me if ever I start slipping again is something that although small, means the world to me. I know now that I can always reach out to people, to family and those whom I truly mean the world to will be there to catch me when I fall. To realise that when I am not at work and people actually notice means the world. It is all the small things I see these days. All the small things I acknowledge.

I climb one step at a time these days. Stitching life back together one tiny little significant stitch at a time. Reaching a new goal every week. I also know that even though I get so far up my wellness ladder and then get knocked back down every now and again. I have been at my lowest and even though I have my days where i fall flat you can only go up from where you land.

SILENT NIGHT

Silence.

Laughter. A screaming brother. A conversation.

Then this,

this,

this nothingness.

Earth shattering silence.

Alone.

All alone the darkness of the night envelopes me. Plucks my tired body to attention.
No  rest will come this night because the lies of the day stir my tired thoughts.

Lies.

Questionable safety for you.

Thief of objects not your own.

Trust.

Broken trust.

Heart.

Broken heart.

Happiness dissolving.

PASSION

Passion.

A driving force.

Inspiration.

The beating of a heart true to its calling.

Following without a doubt what you love.

Indescribable to the end of time.

It just is.

Something that remains unexplained.

Life would be lacking without it.

Dreams.

YOU

Look out your window.
Can you see it too? The sky beautiful as the sun rises.
Stripes of blue, grey and pink.
The tiger rises like and innocent child.
The colour like that of the heart unbroken.
The heart learning to love for the first time.
Pure and innocent.
Untouched by danger.

Silent moments.
The whistle of a bird.
Echo of the wind in the trees.
Your presence ever near me, though far from my touch.
Indescribable.
Vulnerability.
Tears and open hearts.
Thoughts streaming from one to the other.

SHARING:
Words
Heart ache
Life

and a connection.

CONNECTION

It starts with a glance. Then a stare. Locking eyes to see who will fall from grace first. A hand on the cheek. Fingers through her hair. Both of you leaning in but both unsure who will cave in next. A little tease here and there. Small, soft momentary touch of your lips. Possibly a shallow sharp breathe in just before you both give in a your lips meet in the most gentle way possible. Like fairies landing on lily pads. Seconds pass by but instead you feels as if minutes have been taken from you. Your lips part only momentarily and meet again on a parallel universe. The feeling truly indescribable. Passion. Hearts beating fast. Eyes adjusting to the rush. When you part the glorious silence between both of you as you rest your foreheads together while trying to gather your thoughts is incredible.

NO MORE

The same road. The same music. Reliving a summer that ended in heartbreak. A summer by your side and a winter alone. You'll never know how it truly feels. Coming back to this place. Even if just passing through. The memories that drive you wild, but haunt your sweetest dreams. The good that has become hate and resentment. I never wanted this but it was your decision. I'd kill to see you happy. I'd put aside my happiness. My life. To see you smile. To see you happy. 

The sun is shinning bright, high in the sky today but still I'm cold. Alone. So many people surrounding me but my soul, the one you took for yours and then ripped from my heart, sits deserted, hidden in the deepest loneliest shadows of the moon. I no longer love the boy I've loved for so many years, the man I came to know and the soul that tore mine apart. So many years and nothing to show for it but a black hole. An empty shell full of shadow and darkness. 

V and W

It had been so long since they had last crossed paths. Forbidden lovers. Hunting each other like livestock. Trying to stay away from the torture that had engulfed them once but, falling into the trap once again set before them. Tumbling into each other once more. The pale soul and the black.

She entered into the clearing unaware that he had been following her. That he had been watching her every move since she came back to their hiding place from both wolf pack and coven. Yes, the girl with her flowing black hair, pale skin, blood stained lips, sharp fangs and crimson corset had returned, into what used to be their territory and she would very well pay for it this night.

THAT MOMENT

This started as all things usually start. An attraction. A few years of seeing but never really noticing. Wanting to say something but never being able to because of other things. Sometimes that attraction decreases, other times the attraction increases and sometimes the attraction is so shy that it takes something grand and out of the ordinary for any one to admit to it. 

This all started in a moment like that. Where for years there had always been seeing, then a little noticing here and there and now something beautiful. Took a while but life has a funny way of working out and it all started with a few random moments in time. A birthday text, two out of the blue meetings and a few long conversations. 

Two people not really friends not really enemies. One reaching out to another on her way to an evening of fun and the other last minute reciprocating. On that night though, to him, it would've seemed like a pointless waste of time. For her though, she saw things that night that changed how she looked at him. You see, the complications that arise when there is another in a situation can sometimes be off putting but he never gave up. Yes he was disheartened but she saw his attraction that night. In every little glance that he thought went unnoticed. So many people to pay attention to and yet that night every time she looked up she saw him looking, caught him glancing with that look on his face. Mystery. Curiosity.   Out of every look, there was just that one that she would ponder over for days. Too afraid to ask if what she had seen was correct. That look where he locked eyes with her and she saw for a moment a caring and a fondness that she thought she would never come across again. The anger and pain that had built a wall of ice around her heart disappeared. 

A few days later a second night of an off the cuff meeting provided some deadly peaceful insight into everything that had been playing in her mind. She had all her answers she had been looking for except something was holding her back from him. It was more then the fear of getting hurt again. It was the fear of letting go of what had been in her past. As time passed and she let him in, he helped her heal. Now they go through every day, a challenge because of the distance but happy to be together.

His playful disposition and childish outlook on life lifted her spirits. 

AGES PAST

So I'm going through my laptop and I find this. Is it not amazing how when something ends we forget about it as if that period of our lives never happened?

“ I think I love,

Every single little crack on your face.

I think I love,

Even our most casual embrace.

Don’t have to try,

Cos I’ve made up my mind.

Baby, I think I love you today.

Remember that time,

You threw a can of beer at me like a stone.

You drunk too much wine,

And threw up in the taxi cab on the way home.

Looked like a mess,

But, I must confess.

Baby, I think I love you today.

When I think what we do.

If I could only say to you (yeah).

All of these things,

Well do I dare, and

Would you care?

I think I love,

Every time you honour me with a kiss.

I think I love,

Well, there where just a million things I could list.

Should let you know,

But, maybe, tomorrow.

Baby I think I love you today. ”

If ever I could find a metphor for my life, this would be it. Not my life as an individual, or part of a family, but my life with you. It is sometimes hard to find the words to adequately express how I feel about you and yet, this song embodies who we are, along with so many of our memories. When you ‘dedicated’ this song to me, I would never have thought that it would hold the significance then, that it does now. 

Right now I’m sitting in Starbucks (upstairs) waiting for you to show your brilliant face but so far, nothing. Every now and again I’ll see someone coming up the stairs, I turn to look, but every time I do, I’m disappointed, so I decided to stop and just write this. I guess I’ll see you at twelve.

Back to my story. This all started because I used PHOTO BOOTH to check my hair. I was checking that my hair was all good, when I randomly decided to flip through all the photos of us I haven’t looked at in a while. While doing this, this song came on and I nearly started crying. Not because you are not with me, but, because in those photos, I can see the happiness I was feeling in my eyes. Happiness, that, in this moment, I can’t feel at all. Those moments seem like years ago. However, I know that when you are holding me in your arms three and a half hours from now, I will regain that feeling. The feeling of unconditional love coming off your being and nourishing my soul; the love that makes all my troubles seem so small. I LOVE YOU...

IT'S TIME

2012.

What a year.

2013.

BRING IT ON.

In the span of a few months I have left my life in limbo. Joining the millions of unemployed in the world. I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I've left university to follow a life in music. To follow my passion that I have been ignoring for way to long.

My mother introduced me to Vision College. The only Christian Music College offering a Music degree in new Zealand. I can't say that the paper work has been easy. That would be a lie. There is a lot of it and to say they are more then thorough is an understatement but, so far it has been worth it. I actually just finished the last bits of it. Completing my application by completing my final essay. Now I just have to get through auditions. Fingers mega crossed.

Now, I'm not often one to openly admit being emotional about certain things but this application has musically slapped me in the face. To put it bluntly. After having to go through and collect all my certificates together and reading through all the testimonials ever written for me, I am full of feelings of sadness. Questions. Never ending questions. They run through my head over and over.

Why did you ever quit?

Where would you be now?

What if you had not ignored this part of you?

Was it worth it?

Do you regret it?

So many questions. All of them hurt so much. I feel like I have denied myself from being me by suppressing this part of me. Hopefully though this is the start of the right path. After taking that first step into my future I don't see myself stepping back into my past again anytime soon.

This IS me.
This IS who I am.

I will NOT let it go again.

EXPOSED

So, I know I haven't posted in a long time but you all know me I usually only write when I have one of the following three: inspiration, motivation or I'm emotional. I started writing a song today. At first I didn't want to post it on here because it's like the rawest of everything I'm feeling right now and I know this will annoy the people involved. However, I'm no longer going to stay silent about my feelings an what's going on with me. No one person has the right to take that away from me and if this offends then just don't read it. As much as I have a choice to put this here, you have the choice to read it or not.. If you do read this, persons involved, just know, that I didn't feel like this until you took away from me the one thing I thought I'd always have. I can't articulate as well as you in words how I feel and you know this is my self expression so don't read between the lines, because the words here come straight from the darkest corners of my heart. Without further delay here I go....

It's time to move forward.
Leave the past behind.
To build myself up and not fall down.
I'm stronger then I've ever been.
Should've known aat the start.
  Too dependent on you,
  Too reliant on you,
  Looking away from you.
Now I'm falling apart.

Was it worth it?
To walk away like you did?
To let those years fall away?
To let his friendship fall?
I should be used to it by now.
  Too dependent on you,
  Too reliant on you,
  Breaking your promises.
Now it's my turn to fall apart.

You taught me to talk,
You taught me to cry.
I watched you grow,
We let us fly.
This didn't have to be the end.
But you've chosen your path ahead.
Now all that's left to heal.
A painful good-bye.

Is it my fault that I feel this way?
I watched you cry.
I never felt a thing.
The reason being,
I thought you'd always be there.
  But you chose your way,
  You turned around,
  Left no friendship.
Now I'm finally falling apart.

BOYS AND CONFESSIONS

Hey everyone, again it's been a little while since I last wrote anything but, here are two topics that have been annoying me for a while that I thought I would touch on today...!

BOYS:

Recently I find myself being in the centre of a lot of heart break and disappointment. Most of this because some guys just don't get some of the rules of dating/knowing a girl. I'm going to elaborate on a  single rule (seeing as I could probably go on and on with this topic).

Rule:

NEVER and I mean NEVER kiss a girl because you don't want to be 'friendzoned', bring up her hopes, play with her emotions and then a few days later drop her like a hot potato... That's not cool...

You can't go around playing so many girls... Pick one and focus... It's so irresponsible to tell a girl that you are into her, that you've liked her for so long and for her to create hope surrounding this... Just because she likes you, you do NOT  have the right to kiss her and then walk away... If you going to tell her it was an error on your part keep your lips and your tongue to yourself... 

CONFESSIONS:

Ok so what in the world is up with all these flipping Facebook confessions pages? Do you guys and girls really think that the world needs to hear about all your disgusting sex stories and about how you fantasise and stalk the people that you like? People get put in jail for obsessively stalking people...

Here's to the internet once again creating cowards out of people... Whatever happened to just fronting up facing the world? If you like someone write them a letter and hand it to them if you can't bring yourself to open your mouth in front of them. Buy them a flower or just bloody well work up the guts to ask them out... Cowards everywhere these days... -sigh- You people do know that even though you posting on FB about these people most of them probably still aren't aware of your existence...

Secondly about all the sex confessions... I'd rather not be aware of the fact that you were banged in the library and that you had a one night stand with your boyfriends, brothers, best friend while your mister was out of town... We know that you girls/guys are sleazy but jc does the world need to know, not to mention the reputation you guys are giving the rest of the students who attend the same university (as an example)... What ever happened to people being respectful to others and to themselves, there truly is no honour left in some corners of the universe.... 

Admittedly I occasionally read some of these pages but mostly because some of the stuff people put up is so ridiculous it makes for a good laugh on a gloomy day but still i think its disgusting how both men and women can be so gutless and shameless... 

Rant over for today... 

I'M BACK

For a while now I haven't been able to come here. My ver own blog. The memories and tribulations stated upon this internet sheet of paper were so harmful in that time I was so fragile. I couldn't allow myself to come back not after everything that happened. Now though. I find comfort and hope in the things that have passed, the things that were written. We are often the truest forms of ourselves when we are most vulnerable and I see that now. When we are most vulnerable is when some things will most affect us and change our lives either for the better or the worse.

So what have I bee up to lately?

Well the answer to that of course is I haven't actually been up to much lately. I have though been more involved in the lives of people that I care about and love more then anything in this world. Whether it be with my SPIRIT DEMON, family or friends. I feel like I have been more in touch with the world lately and that has helped me settle in my mind.

New friends I'm still forming relationships with are also ever present in my life as we walk along a journey together of healing and strength towards our future goals. In life we hold so little close to our hearts that when those little things start disappearing we really realise the difference that they made, BUT, the disappearance of one thing can add to the addition of another. So to all my friends old and new know that I am thankful for the fact that you are in my life and that you are in your own ways there for me always.

On a more serious note.

It's back to the Orthopedic Surgeon this coming THURSDAY! In a way I can't wait to see him. IN a way I'm not. I can't wait for the day that I will be able to play sports, dance and just live life to the fullest without being in pain. My knee injury has somewhat over the past few months/weeks changed my outlook on some parts of my life. We go through life taking for granted a lot of the things that we do everyday over and over again in this subconscious way of life that sometimes we lead. I have seen those things. Missed them to the point of tears. Even pain itself is not as painful as the loss of quality of life. Now I know that the quality of life I lead in this moment is not completely lost but some things that you hold dear to you, once you cannot do them any longer can hurt you in some very strange ways. So back to the Doctor to sort this thing out once and for all.

A Special Note for You! You will know who you are!

I read something once upon a time. Actually, not too long ago. You just have to follow your heart, follow your 6th sense that I know you possess. Maybe what you are looking for won't be there in this very instance of your life, but you NEVER know what your future will hold for you. Stick it out and you will find the answers. Whether or not they are reciprocated right now is not important but the acknowledgement of the same feeling you have is the key. Give it time. What you felt once you could very possibly feel again one day. I have faith in your ability to know the truth.

ANYWAY! After all of that I must say good-bye for now and farewell because I have work to do! Yo ti amo Español!

WHY GOD WHY??

I'm having a really tough time these days after the loss of a dear friend and work colleague. I know that many people all over the world have been affected by his sudden passing. It feels so surreal but it definitely happened. I visited the crash site yesterday, closed my eyes and tried to imagine how everything happened but I couldn't. I stood on the corner where you passed from this realm into another and spoke to you but with no reply. How did this happen? How could this happen? You were such an amazing person... You did not deserve this! I guess I'm just trying to say I miss you, we all miss you. I went to work yesterday too and everyone is feeling your loss. You meant so much to all of us. Everyone is hurting. Your name was still on the roster and people kept waiting for you to show up but you never did. Everyone got home but you! We miss you brother take care...

SHUNGU

My dearest friend and work mate SHUNGU ( 25/06/2012 )

I can't believe you are gone. Just yesterday I was working with you, laughing with you and bugging you with hi's and bye's. Just yesterday you made me lunch, made a mistake and then remade my wrap. You sat next to me in the office telling me about how you were leaving work and going to finish your studies. So much going for you and now you are gone. Yesterday at work you mentioned how it would be the last time that I would see (because you were leaving macca's), how could either of us had known that it would indeed be the last time we ever spoke to each other? My days at work will no longer be the same. I won't be saying hi and bye to you several hundred times in one day anymore. I won't get to joke with you about the state of some African states or share with you funny memories of what it was like growing up in Africa. You were a leader and people looked up to you for it. Guess I'll be doing my tax alone after all bro! I'll never forget you my brother. Nothing can break the bond we had. So close to so many people you will be missed from now until forever. I pray that you are safe, I know you are in a better place now. TAKE CARE BROTHER AND REST IN PEACE!