SILENT NIGHT

Silence.

Laughter. A screaming brother. A conversation.

Then this,

this,

this nothingness.

Earth shattering silence.

Alone.

All alone the darkness of the night envelopes me. Plucks my tired body to attention.
No  rest will come this night because the lies of the day stir my tired thoughts.

Lies.

Questionable safety for you.

Thief of objects not your own.

Trust.

Broken trust.

Heart.

Broken heart.

Happiness dissolving.

PASSION

Passion.

A driving force.

Inspiration.

The beating of a heart true to its calling.

Following without a doubt what you love.

Indescribable to the end of time.

It just is.

Something that remains unexplained.

Life would be lacking without it.

Dreams.

YOU

Look out your window.
Can you see it too? The sky beautiful as the sun rises.
Stripes of blue, grey and pink.
The tiger rises like and innocent child.
The colour like that of the heart unbroken.
The heart learning to love for the first time.
Pure and innocent.
Untouched by danger.

Silent moments.
The whistle of a bird.
Echo of the wind in the trees.
Your presence ever near me, though far from my touch.
Indescribable.
Vulnerability.
Tears and open hearts.
Thoughts streaming from one to the other.

SHARING:
Words
Heart ache
Life

and a connection.

CONNECTION

It starts with a glance. Then a stare. Locking eyes to see who will fall from grace first. A hand on the cheek. Fingers through her hair. Both of you leaning in but both unsure who will cave in next. A little tease here and there. Small, soft momentary touch of your lips. Possibly a shallow sharp breathe in just before you both give in a your lips meet in the most gentle way possible. Like fairies landing on lily pads. Seconds pass by but instead you feels as if minutes have been taken from you. Your lips part only momentarily and meet again on a parallel universe. The feeling truly indescribable. Passion. Hearts beating fast. Eyes adjusting to the rush. When you part the glorious silence between both of you as you rest your foreheads together while trying to gather your thoughts is incredible.

NO MORE

The same road. The same music. Reliving a summer that ended in heartbreak. A summer by your side and a winter alone. You'll never know how it truly feels. Coming back to this place. Even if just passing through. The memories that drive you wild, but haunt your sweetest dreams. The good that has become hate and resentment. I never wanted this but it was your decision. I'd kill to see you happy. I'd put aside my happiness. My life. To see you smile. To see you happy. 

The sun is shinning bright, high in the sky today but still I'm cold. Alone. So many people surrounding me but my soul, the one you took for yours and then ripped from my heart, sits deserted, hidden in the deepest loneliest shadows of the moon. I no longer love the boy I've loved for so many years, the man I came to know and the soul that tore mine apart. So many years and nothing to show for it but a black hole. An empty shell full of shadow and darkness. 

V and W

It had been so long since they had last crossed paths. Forbidden lovers. Hunting each other like livestock. Trying to stay away from the torture that had engulfed them once but, falling into the trap once again set before them. Tumbling into each other once more. The pale soul and the black.

She entered into the clearing unaware that he had been following her. That he had been watching her every move since she came back to their hiding place from both wolf pack and coven. Yes, the girl with her flowing black hair, pale skin, blood stained lips, sharp fangs and crimson corset had returned, into what used to be their territory and she would very well pay for it this night.

THAT MOMENT

This started as all things usually start. An attraction. A few years of seeing but never really noticing. Wanting to say something but never being able to because of other things. Sometimes that attraction decreases, other times the attraction increases and sometimes the attraction is so shy that it takes something grand and out of the ordinary for any one to admit to it. 

This all started in a moment like that. Where for years there had always been seeing, then a little noticing here and there and now something beautiful. Took a while but life has a funny way of working out and it all started with a few random moments in time. A birthday text, two out of the blue meetings and a few long conversations. 

Two people not really friends not really enemies. One reaching out to another on her way to an evening of fun and the other last minute reciprocating. On that night though, to him, it would've seemed like a pointless waste of time. For her though, she saw things that night that changed how she looked at him. You see, the complications that arise when there is another in a situation can sometimes be off putting but he never gave up. Yes he was disheartened but she saw his attraction that night. In every little glance that he thought went unnoticed. So many people to pay attention to and yet that night every time she looked up she saw him looking, caught him glancing with that look on his face. Mystery. Curiosity.   Out of every look, there was just that one that she would ponder over for days. Too afraid to ask if what she had seen was correct. That look where he locked eyes with her and she saw for a moment a caring and a fondness that she thought she would never come across again. The anger and pain that had built a wall of ice around her heart disappeared. 

A few days later a second night of an off the cuff meeting provided some deadly peaceful insight into everything that had been playing in her mind. She had all her answers she had been looking for except something was holding her back from him. It was more then the fear of getting hurt again. It was the fear of letting go of what had been in her past. As time passed and she let him in, he helped her heal. Now they go through every day, a challenge because of the distance but happy to be together.

His playful disposition and childish outlook on life lifted her spirits. 

AGES PAST

So I'm going through my laptop and I find this. Is it not amazing how when something ends we forget about it as if that period of our lives never happened?

“ I think I love,

Every single little crack on your face.

I think I love,

Even our most casual embrace.

Don’t have to try,

Cos I’ve made up my mind.

Baby, I think I love you today.

Remember that time,

You threw a can of beer at me like a stone.

You drunk too much wine,

And threw up in the taxi cab on the way home.

Looked like a mess,

But, I must confess.

Baby, I think I love you today.

When I think what we do.

If I could only say to you (yeah).

All of these things,

Well do I dare, and

Would you care?

I think I love,

Every time you honour me with a kiss.

I think I love,

Well, there where just a million things I could list.

Should let you know,

But, maybe, tomorrow.

Baby I think I love you today. ”

If ever I could find a metphor for my life, this would be it. Not my life as an individual, or part of a family, but my life with you. It is sometimes hard to find the words to adequately express how I feel about you and yet, this song embodies who we are, along with so many of our memories. When you ‘dedicated’ this song to me, I would never have thought that it would hold the significance then, that it does now. 

Right now I’m sitting in Starbucks (upstairs) waiting for you to show your brilliant face but so far, nothing. Every now and again I’ll see someone coming up the stairs, I turn to look, but every time I do, I’m disappointed, so I decided to stop and just write this. I guess I’ll see you at twelve.

Back to my story. This all started because I used PHOTO BOOTH to check my hair. I was checking that my hair was all good, when I randomly decided to flip through all the photos of us I haven’t looked at in a while. While doing this, this song came on and I nearly started crying. Not because you are not with me, but, because in those photos, I can see the happiness I was feeling in my eyes. Happiness, that, in this moment, I can’t feel at all. Those moments seem like years ago. However, I know that when you are holding me in your arms three and a half hours from now, I will regain that feeling. The feeling of unconditional love coming off your being and nourishing my soul; the love that makes all my troubles seem so small. I LOVE YOU...

IT'S TIME

2012.

What a year.

2013.

BRING IT ON.

In the span of a few months I have left my life in limbo. Joining the millions of unemployed in the world. I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. I've left university to follow a life in music. To follow my passion that I have been ignoring for way to long.

My mother introduced me to Vision College. The only Christian Music College offering a Music degree in new Zealand. I can't say that the paper work has been easy. That would be a lie. There is a lot of it and to say they are more then thorough is an understatement but, so far it has been worth it. I actually just finished the last bits of it. Completing my application by completing my final essay. Now I just have to get through auditions. Fingers mega crossed.

Now, I'm not often one to openly admit being emotional about certain things but this application has musically slapped me in the face. To put it bluntly. After having to go through and collect all my certificates together and reading through all the testimonials ever written for me, I am full of feelings of sadness. Questions. Never ending questions. They run through my head over and over.

Why did you ever quit?

Where would you be now?

What if you had not ignored this part of you?

Was it worth it?

Do you regret it?

So many questions. All of them hurt so much. I feel like I have denied myself from being me by suppressing this part of me. Hopefully though this is the start of the right path. After taking that first step into my future I don't see myself stepping back into my past again anytime soon.

This IS me.
This IS who I am.

I will NOT let it go again.

EXPOSED

So, I know I haven't posted in a long time but you all know me I usually only write when I have one of the following three: inspiration, motivation or I'm emotional. I started writing a song today. At first I didn't want to post it on here because it's like the rawest of everything I'm feeling right now and I know this will annoy the people involved. However, I'm no longer going to stay silent about my feelings an what's going on with me. No one person has the right to take that away from me and if this offends then just don't read it. As much as I have a choice to put this here, you have the choice to read it or not.. If you do read this, persons involved, just know, that I didn't feel like this until you took away from me the one thing I thought I'd always have. I can't articulate as well as you in words how I feel and you know this is my self expression so don't read between the lines, because the words here come straight from the darkest corners of my heart. Without further delay here I go....

It's time to move forward.
Leave the past behind.
To build myself up and not fall down.
I'm stronger then I've ever been.
Should've known aat the start.
  Too dependent on you,
  Too reliant on you,
  Looking away from you.
Now I'm falling apart.

Was it worth it?
To walk away like you did?
To let those years fall away?
To let his friendship fall?
I should be used to it by now.
  Too dependent on you,
  Too reliant on you,
  Breaking your promises.
Now it's my turn to fall apart.

You taught me to talk,
You taught me to cry.
I watched you grow,
We let us fly.
This didn't have to be the end.
But you've chosen your path ahead.
Now all that's left to heal.
A painful good-bye.

Is it my fault that I feel this way?
I watched you cry.
I never felt a thing.
The reason being,
I thought you'd always be there.
  But you chose your way,
  You turned around,
  Left no friendship.
Now I'm finally falling apart.