BOYS AND CONFESSIONS

Hey everyone, again it's been a little while since I last wrote anything but, here are two topics that have been annoying me for a while that I thought I would touch on today...!

BOYS:

Recently I find myself being in the centre of a lot of heart break and disappointment. Most of this because some guys just don't get some of the rules of dating/knowing a girl. I'm going to elaborate on a  single rule (seeing as I could probably go on and on with this topic).

Rule:

NEVER and I mean NEVER kiss a girl because you don't want to be 'friendzoned', bring up her hopes, play with her emotions and then a few days later drop her like a hot potato... That's not cool...

You can't go around playing so many girls... Pick one and focus... It's so irresponsible to tell a girl that you are into her, that you've liked her for so long and for her to create hope surrounding this... Just because she likes you, you do NOT  have the right to kiss her and then walk away... If you going to tell her it was an error on your part keep your lips and your tongue to yourself... 

CONFESSIONS:

Ok so what in the world is up with all these flipping Facebook confessions pages? Do you guys and girls really think that the world needs to hear about all your disgusting sex stories and about how you fantasise and stalk the people that you like? People get put in jail for obsessively stalking people...

Here's to the internet once again creating cowards out of people... Whatever happened to just fronting up facing the world? If you like someone write them a letter and hand it to them if you can't bring yourself to open your mouth in front of them. Buy them a flower or just bloody well work up the guts to ask them out... Cowards everywhere these days... -sigh- You people do know that even though you posting on FB about these people most of them probably still aren't aware of your existence...

Secondly about all the sex confessions... I'd rather not be aware of the fact that you were banged in the library and that you had a one night stand with your boyfriends, brothers, best friend while your mister was out of town... We know that you girls/guys are sleazy but jc does the world need to know, not to mention the reputation you guys are giving the rest of the students who attend the same university (as an example)... What ever happened to people being respectful to others and to themselves, there truly is no honour left in some corners of the universe.... 

Admittedly I occasionally read some of these pages but mostly because some of the stuff people put up is so ridiculous it makes for a good laugh on a gloomy day but still i think its disgusting how both men and women can be so gutless and shameless... 

Rant over for today... 

I'M BACK

For a while now I haven't been able to come here. My ver own blog. The memories and tribulations stated upon this internet sheet of paper were so harmful in that time I was so fragile. I couldn't allow myself to come back not after everything that happened. Now though. I find comfort and hope in the things that have passed, the things that were written. We are often the truest forms of ourselves when we are most vulnerable and I see that now. When we are most vulnerable is when some things will most affect us and change our lives either for the better or the worse.

So what have I bee up to lately?

Well the answer to that of course is I haven't actually been up to much lately. I have though been more involved in the lives of people that I care about and love more then anything in this world. Whether it be with my SPIRIT DEMON, family or friends. I feel like I have been more in touch with the world lately and that has helped me settle in my mind.

New friends I'm still forming relationships with are also ever present in my life as we walk along a journey together of healing and strength towards our future goals. In life we hold so little close to our hearts that when those little things start disappearing we really realise the difference that they made, BUT, the disappearance of one thing can add to the addition of another. So to all my friends old and new know that I am thankful for the fact that you are in my life and that you are in your own ways there for me always.

On a more serious note.

It's back to the Orthopedic Surgeon this coming THURSDAY! In a way I can't wait to see him. IN a way I'm not. I can't wait for the day that I will be able to play sports, dance and just live life to the fullest without being in pain. My knee injury has somewhat over the past few months/weeks changed my outlook on some parts of my life. We go through life taking for granted a lot of the things that we do everyday over and over again in this subconscious way of life that sometimes we lead. I have seen those things. Missed them to the point of tears. Even pain itself is not as painful as the loss of quality of life. Now I know that the quality of life I lead in this moment is not completely lost but some things that you hold dear to you, once you cannot do them any longer can hurt you in some very strange ways. So back to the Doctor to sort this thing out once and for all.

A Special Note for You! You will know who you are!

I read something once upon a time. Actually, not too long ago. You just have to follow your heart, follow your 6th sense that I know you possess. Maybe what you are looking for won't be there in this very instance of your life, but you NEVER know what your future will hold for you. Stick it out and you will find the answers. Whether or not they are reciprocated right now is not important but the acknowledgement of the same feeling you have is the key. Give it time. What you felt once you could very possibly feel again one day. I have faith in your ability to know the truth.

ANYWAY! After all of that I must say good-bye for now and farewell because I have work to do! Yo ti amo Español!

WHY GOD WHY??

I'm having a really tough time these days after the loss of a dear friend and work colleague. I know that many people all over the world have been affected by his sudden passing. It feels so surreal but it definitely happened. I visited the crash site yesterday, closed my eyes and tried to imagine how everything happened but I couldn't. I stood on the corner where you passed from this realm into another and spoke to you but with no reply. How did this happen? How could this happen? You were such an amazing person... You did not deserve this! I guess I'm just trying to say I miss you, we all miss you. I went to work yesterday too and everyone is feeling your loss. You meant so much to all of us. Everyone is hurting. Your name was still on the roster and people kept waiting for you to show up but you never did. Everyone got home but you! We miss you brother take care...

SHUNGU

My dearest friend and work mate SHUNGU ( 25/06/2012 )

I can't believe you are gone. Just yesterday I was working with you, laughing with you and bugging you with hi's and bye's. Just yesterday you made me lunch, made a mistake and then remade my wrap. You sat next to me in the office telling me about how you were leaving work and going to finish your studies. So much going for you and now you are gone. Yesterday at work you mentioned how it would be the last time that I would see (because you were leaving macca's), how could either of us had known that it would indeed be the last time we ever spoke to each other? My days at work will no longer be the same. I won't be saying hi and bye to you several hundred times in one day anymore. I won't get to joke with you about the state of some African states or share with you funny memories of what it was like growing up in Africa. You were a leader and people looked up to you for it. Guess I'll be doing my tax alone after all bro! I'll never forget you my brother. Nothing can break the bond we had. So close to so many people you will be missed from now until forever. I pray that you are safe, I know you are in a better place now. TAKE CARE BROTHER AND REST IN PEACE!

FOR 'BOTH' OF YOU

I have been at war with myself over the past little while. I have always wanted to dedicate something to the A-SQUAD, to Auggie and to Juanita a dear "inherited aunt" who recently passed away. I had yet to do this because I wasn't entirely sure on how to go about it. How does one dedicate something to two people who meant the world to others and make it so their families would appreciate what they have written. I wasn't sure then on how to start and I'm still not sure now, but I'm going to try anyway.

TO JUANITA AND FAMILY:

Juanita, the time I got to spend with you was phenomenal. So many gifts and memories you had to share with those around you. Both a good influence and a bad influence, yet you remained so kind and giving throughout all things. Even up until your fading days. Someone asked me on the day of your funeral what I will remember most about you, and my answer was simple. "I will remember the drinking, smoking, swearing, fishing and how we used to both gang up on Alex (a new found sibling thanks to you, you've brought us closer together) and tell him to not be lazy and dish up dinner for himself. Also your kindness and ability to make all feel loved and welcome." It didn't matter how you did this, you always succeeded. Always full of humour it never appeared that anything could get you down. I still remember the time you first started getting sick. You kept on saying that you had a cold that wouldn't bloody go away and then one day we found out it really was. Such a strong independent woman you remained, right up until the end. When I looked at you lying so silently there, there was a smile on your face and so peaceful did you look. I love you Juanita and you are missed and will carry on being missed. TAKE CARE AND RIP

TO AKUSITINA AND THE A-SQUAD:

Akusitina, time has passed since you left this world and entered another and yet you remain ever present in the lives of many. I never knew you well but I remember you almost everyday. I particularly remember one time in assembly when you got up on stage and had a dance off with several other people (a skill you passed on to the twins). You always had a smile on your face. I remember your passing. Everyone from your year was called to school, and even though others didn't know what was going on, our year knew (or at least we had an idea) when the twins never showed up to school for a while. So many people remember you, an entire group (the A-Squad) was formed for you and they still, to my knowledge, visit you every once in a while. Mad respect girl. You were loved. I never really spoke to anyone about you but you touched me and I know the twins would agree, regardless of whether or not people knew you by blood or were just friends at school, once you made an impression on someone, that impression was/is left forever. You are missed you awesome girl. TAKEN TO SOON! TAKE CARE AND RIP!

SECOND BEST

Do you know what it's like to feel second best? To feel like you have no where to turn when you are feeling hurt, alone? Of course you don't. Someone is always there for you. How can you say that you don't view a relationship as being a couple spending alone time together, just the two people? Your own parents go on dates without their friends and the rest of your family. I feel almost as though you are blind to the world around you, to the people around you. Since when do you get off asking me to change my plans with you, so that you can go out instead on our date with your friends? What about rather doing something different with your friends and sticking to our plans. Our day out that we were supposed to share? In a way I'm so glad I know where I stand with you now. I think it's nearly time to say good-bye... You don't care right? So why the FUCK should I? Why am I forced to give a shit about you when you don't give a shit about me? Stupid heart. -IHATEMYHEART- I care about you to the point that i would go to hell and back, even give my soul to let you live if you were dying, and to what end? To the end that I know if you had a choice you would save a friend and disregard me? NICE! So good to know where I stand. Let's not forget the bit about you being a liar... "...absence has made my heart grow fonder..." said your words, but your actions gave you away. If I mean so little to you then go on, do it! I dare you! GO on... I know why you can't, why you won't... You've never had your heart broken before, you're too stubborn... So many reasons... Well by now you should know me, I'm here to stay and I'm not backing down because no matter how much you hurt me, I still love you! You mentioned once that you loved my uncanny ability to love even the worst of people and my enemies, guess that explains how I love you so bad... But yeah, Do you know what it's like to feel second best?

Don't want to lose you!

The other day I found out that you were in the hospital.
A while ago I watched a video that a dancer had dedicated to her dying Aunty. She had created this video because she was in Poland touring when she got the news that her aunt may not be alive when she returned.
For weeks after first watching this video all I could think of was you Granny, and Oupie and My Vovo and Vovo. I miss all of you so terribly. I worry every day that I may not get to say good-bye, or that I'll never be able to see you again. I have tried so many times to write you letter in the past few weeks, but I can't bring myself to do it. Every time I start, I land up stopping because words cannot aptly describe how I feel. I owe all of you so much. As my grandparents you have all given and taught me so much. I remember the many holidays we spent together, whether it be at the hairdresser on thursday mornings or watching TV all day, you were always there.

Oupie: (MY MUSICAL INSPIRATION)


I will never forget how you inspired my piano playing. Tolerating hours of me hopelessly banging away on the piano, that is, until you taught me chopsticks. Even then though, now you had to put up with me playing the few things I did know, over and over again. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for also teaching me how to knit. Whenever I knit now, I silently think of you and thank you with all my heart for teaching me such a beautiful skill. I will never forget how you used to help cut my apples in the morning and put banana in my cereal, and how you make the best coffee in all the world. Another thing I will never forget is when and granny introduced me to Apple Jelly Jam and how every holiday I went there you would always have some in the cupboard just for me. To this day I can still spend hours reciting all those chopsticks. Only now I don't have anyone to accompany. Thanks you also for allowing me to have your cherished violins. They were well used by me and now little Angelique is also using them while on her journey of musical enrichment. You may not have thought that you were giving me a lot, but you gave me love and tried your best. That is all I could have ever asked for. Thank you for also knitting me all those jersey's. They have been passed on now to Angel and Cristi but they remain dear to me, they keep me warm. Luckily I haven't grown in quite some time now and I can still fit into the very last jersey you ever made. Two more things I've just remembered. How you always used to teach me every holiday how to play Rummy, because i could never quite remember how to play it when I'd finally see you again. I also remember, one night granny was sewing and it was pouring with rain outside. After dinner we sat in the lounge in the flat playing rummy when all of a sudden a huge rain spider came scuttling across the floor and i shrieked and jumped on the couch while my knight in shinning armour came to the rescue and politely swept the spider out the door with a broom stick. My hero! I will never forget your spinach and eggs! I love you Oupie and I miss you terribly!

Granny: (The disciplinarian)


Shortly before I moved overseas you gave me a whole stack of music that had once belonged to both Oupie and yourself. When you did so you gave me a particular piece with a pink covering with the title Rustle of Sprig. When you gave me this piece of music you said to me that it is a piece you wanted to have played at your funeral one day. I was never able to play it before but a week or two ago I went and got out from downstairs and started learning it. It's not the easiest piece to learn but I'm trying whenever I get the chance. Hopefully I'll be able to play it for you one day. Like with Oupie I have so many fond memories of you. Two distinct memories I have are of you threatening me with a slipper to the bum for jumping on your beds and the second for saying guys. To say the least I was always terrified of your wooden spoon and slipper always upon you foot. I remember distinctly the one day you caught me jumping on the bed and all I remember was you taking your slipper off your foot and wagging it at me. I have never stopped jumping and sat down on bum so fast before in my life. "Dominique, does my slipper need to have a conversation with your bottom?" I remember you saying. In terms of the use of the word 'guys' in referral to Oupie and yourself I remember how you gave me a stern look and said, "Dominique, you shouldn't say guys. the term to use if folk/s." To this day I still catch myself out when I say 'guys' because I can quietly hear your disapproval in the back of my mind and then i say out loud 'it's funny my gran always taught me to say folk/s, she never liked the term guys'. How the years have gone by. With Oupie it was knitting, with you Granny it was the sewing. I remember all the barbie clothes you'd make for me (while keeping my Barbie hostage) while I was attending school and how during the holidays you would release the doll into my custody along with a 5L ice-cream container full of new clothes for her. I can remember spending hours at your feet going through all your off cuts and stitching together bibs and 'clothes' for my Barbie. And the baking! I remember the baking so vividly. Yummy! I also remember how Oupie was always in charge of the cereal and you were always in charge of the toast, and sometimes you would let me be the nurse and set out all the medicine for you and Oupie. I will also NEVER forget the 'THURSDAY routine', as Cristi would say 'ever ever' instead of Never never. It was up early to eat breakfast and then off to the hair dresser. After your hair was all permed and beautiful we would go shopping and we would get the weeks groceries. Every week I remember you and Oupie would give me R5 to spend on those Thursdays. Sometimes I'd spend it all, other times I would save it up and by something. It all depended on wether or not I wanted to listen to you or not. Apart from thursdays, I was always your personal hairdresser during the week. I wish I could do this all again. I love you Granny and I miss you terribly!

I don't think that this little blog post stands for much but it seems easier to type then to write all of this. Thank you so much for all the life lessons that you both taught me. All the memories we have that I'll never forget and all the good things you have both placed on the timeline of my  life. I will forever remember you both.

Granny I know you are very sick right now but I pray that you will recover and that i will be able to see you again. So this letter will never be good-bye but will rather be until next time. I still have every had written note we ever shared because You believed in written communication. You and Oupie will remain forever in my prayers. Stay strong and look after each other.

I love you both.
Until next time. All my best.
Domie

A Day in ME!

I just thought I'd write a little bit about my day.

Today, was a day like any other. A day of happiness, reminders and worst of all disappointment. I HATE disappoint meant. However, some people in this world are just reliably unreliable and never fail to disappoint. Let's not let this drag us down though. 

This friday was like any other friday really. Since I don't have university on fridays I try to make the most out of them as possible. Like today. When I woke up, I had some breakfast and then a bit later headed off to physiotherapy to eventually, once and for all, sort out my knee. The only pain that hurts more then when you initially have your accident is being on the receiving end of a therapist. 

Onwards from physio I headed home to make a call and have some lunch, maybe do something productive (as if that was EVER going to happen). So my day carried on in a monotonous cloud of boredom and laziness. I really could not motivate myself to do anything. One thing lead to another. I watched program after program of painstaking program on TV and eventually had a cuddle with my brother, had dinner and am now currently in bed, typing this. (just to state the obvious). 

Anyway,

Goodnight everyone 

Vampire or Human?

Once a Human, then turned Vampire I became powerful.

I'm having this internal struggle with myself. A long time ago I thought I knew who I was. I was dead set in a specific way of life and I loved it. However, that was a very dark time in my life. A time in my life where, not only could I not see the light, I literally spent all of my time out of it.

Back then, I was a vampire (in a metaphorical sense of course). I slept most of my days or very short hours and spent my nights awake and staring at the stars outside of my window. Often I would contemplate what it would be like to be a fictional character in a book like 'Infinite Days' by Rebecca Maizel. I enjoyed the taste of blood and was excited at the thought of a pair of teeth over my jugular. Although, a lot of this remained true even now. But, I feel like I have lost certain aspects of this. I've slowly gone from being a creature of the night, to being a creature of daytime and sunlight.

I've become what I fear the most. An average ordinary everyday girl. My skin once pale, a colour I had slaved over for months to obtain, is gone. Now? Now instead I am tanned, the colour of caramel. I don't even dress the same anymore. This is possibly one of the things I miss the absolute most. I miss my corsets, my heels and my netted stockings. I miss the moon and the dark crisp night air. My human me is nothing compare to the dark queen that once reigned within.

I am nothing.
Once Vampire, now, nothing more then a defenseless Human.

Darkness

What is it to be dark?
Is it the way you dress, the words you use, the company you keep?
Darkness, like light, is in the eye of the beholder.
What is it that keeps people coming back to this?
The side of life like the other side of the moon, never seen by others.
In reality it doesn't matter what we think darkness is.
Darkness is what you make it.

The little things

Can you remember all the little things? I can. We go through life ignoring the little things, the smallest of memories so I'm here to remind you of a few. I know you could do with this right now.

Can you remember when we first met? I spent almost four days ignoring you and somewhere on the third day music brought us together. After that came the first visit to my house. I remember you were still into all your crap back then. My gosh how you have changed. That first day you made yourself at home. We spoke for hours. As I shared my secrets the sun disappeared under the horizon and the moon gave rise to the night. We didn't even bother switching the lights on.

Time went on and we danced into and out of our friendship, fighting back and forward. I don't seem so weak now, do I? I remember times when you used to warn me that being your friend was a bad idea but, look who is here for you in the end? Even after all the crap we went through.

You were there for me my first break up and have been there every break up since. Keeping me on solid ground and out of the sky. You understand my process when things like this happen. You know that I will tidy every bit of my bedroom unless I'm stopped. I remember My first break-up when you got to my house I was emotionless, quiet and robotic in my process. You watched me unpack my entire cupboard, unfold and re-fold all my clothes. Eventually you grabbed my wrists pulled me into a hug and just let me cry. I would have been somewhat lost without you.

Then last year you gave me Valentine's Day (so far the best one I've ever had). I remember you bought my sister the cutest bracelet (which she still loves) because it was her party. With the little kids inside we ventured outside and sat dangerously on the railing of my deck and spoke for hours. You were wearing one of your dad's stripped shirts and black pants. Your hair, messy, as always. I have always loved having someone to continuously talk to. I can talk to you for hours and not get bored. It's refreshing.

Can you still remember our walks to the park at the bottom of the road. How about the rude, arrogant and self-centered British guy who confronted us there? There are so many things I could remind you about my friend, like the mosquitoes that attacked my feet while we were on the bridge near the park. You spent that entire week at my place (going home at night to sleep). Somewhere near the end of that week I made dinner for you and my family. Roast pork and vegetables.

You were even there on my 18th, on the 22nd Dec 2009. You came over just to share a drink with me after work.

Anyway, those are just a few of the little things I thought I'd remind you of to get a smile on that face...

Luv ya and thanks for always being there...

Xx