SCARS

Happiness.

What is it? Some days I wake up and it is like I can not remember the last time I was truly happy. One day I wake up and I think "today will be a good day" but then I see those photos from way back when. From a time that the happiness was written on my face instead of just placed there as an outward mask to avoid the onslaught of inevitable questions. Today for me is one of those days. One of those times where I woke up ok and perky but everything just seems to be slipping out of hand as the day progresses. Today I feel alone.

Sitting here in silence is possibly the worst of everything though. In moments like this time allows me years to reflect upon. Time allows for everything to come to the fore front and for the cogs of my mind to work. Like a clock with an infinite amount of battery I am left to reflect on the past, the present and the future. Yesterday I was happy. Today I am troubled. Tomorrow I will be...?

Not too long ago I started putting together a photo board of some memories that I have made over the past few years. Memories that I hold close to my heart. Moments I spent with people that truly brought my inner happiness out to the surface. People are on this board that have made amazing and everlasting impacts on my life. Do not get me wrong this board carries pain as well but, today it just stands as a reminder for what I had, what I lost and what I have to work towards.

These things that we all close everyday. Family. Friends. Partners. Business. Money. Pets. They all mean nothing in the greater significance of the inner self. Yes they help build who you are a person but, fundamentally if you are not ok with you then those things are insignificant. Over the past months I have had and lost some form of these things. Every time creating a new memory that will heal eventually (in terms of the bad ones) leaving a new scar in its place.

There have been moments with some of these people that have brought me to where I am today. Moments that horrified me. Scarred me so deeply that I will NEVER forget the hurt that they caused. People can forgive and forget. Yes, we have that ability. Some times it is not that easy though. Do you know what it is like to hold so much hope inside of you to only have it wrenched away? To think that certain people would always be there for you but really when it comes to the punch they are no where to be found? My counsellor says I try to hard to save the people in my life and give too much of myself in the process. I think today I have finally realised what the gravity of what he said was. So often I cling to the hope that people will change. That if I give of myself and my time that they will see how much effort I put in to them becoming a better person and they will change. I still have not learnt my lesson. I hold so much hope for some people only to have it thrown back at me. Old habits die very hard for some of us. Well I can not do it anymore. I refuse to give more of me to please the need of others to diminish life. You want to do the wrongs things then that is on you. I will no longer be a part of it. Time for me to think of me.

Sorry for the confusion of this post. My mind is in a muddle. A flurry of thoughts that never freaking ends. Sleep is for the dead too apparently. Did not sleep last night because my mind would not stop churning.