HEARTBROKEN

To a woman who has endured so much pain and suffering. You have moved on from this world and will now join our Father in Heaven. You will no longer experience pain. You will no longer have to endure the many ills that being in this world brings. You were one of the strongest people I will ever know. You fought so hard for so long but now you have passed from this world into another where there is no more pain, suffering and heart ache. Only love, life and happiness.

To my beloved grandmother.

Dearest Granny,

My heart is breaking. There are so many things that I wish I could say to you. So many things I wish I could do with you. We were in the shops earlier buying a photo frame and some flowers for you and myself and Angelique were talking about some memories with you. We were reminiscing over how no one was ever allowed to push the trolley but you. Walking arm in arm down the aisles, being reminded of how we used to do the same with you and Oupie.

My dearest granny there are so many milestones that I still need to cross. Milestones I'd hoped to cross with you still there to see me. All my life I have grown up with my grandparents more often then not thinking about how you'd always be there in my future. I never thought I'd lose you. For 24years, I could probably count on my hands the number of times I actually thought about having to say good-bye. In reality having to say it and thinking about it are two very different things.

I wish that I could've been there to kiss your head one last time. To whisper I love you. To hold your hand and sing you songs while stroking your silky soft skin. David told me he brushed your hair one last time for all of us and it brought a small smile to my face. When we found out that you had your stroke and we were getting ready to put dad on a plane I tried to write you a letter for dad to read. So many thoughts going through my head, a pen in my hand and all I could do was stare at that blank piece of paper in front of me. Over and over I kept repeating to myself, "How do you say good-bye to someone you love. Someone you've known your whole life. Someone that's made you laugh, cry and comforted you." Words don't come so easily. Aunty Tania told me today about how you still have your blackboard. How the very last message I wrote on it is still there and about how no one was allowed to go near it. This reminded me of the bond of love that families share. That even though distance may be between us, we never stop thinking about one another.

Granny. I've spent most of today sleeping. Trying not to feel any pain. Trying to get through. This morning I got my teddy off the shelf and have kept it right beside me the whole day. Can you remember? It is the teddy I made for you, gave to you. The teddy with the little nappy and white dress you made for my dolls. A few years ago you gave this teddy back to me saying, "Here my girl, take this with you in case something happens to me and I can't give it back to you." I pleaded with you to keep it, that it didn't matter and that I would rather you keep it. In your granny wisdom you explained to me that if I had it I would be able to look on the teddy and remember you, a reminder that you will always be there. Just like my teddy had served as a reminder for you. Well granny you were right. Today teddy came off my shelf and has offered my soul a very small amount of comfort.

I'm getting married at the end of next year granny. William and myself have been working on a guest list. I can now no longer send you your invite. I knew all along that you weren't going to be able to make it but I wanted to at least invite you to my special day. Your ring given to me will be worn on this day as a remembrance to you. Now you'll never get to see my dress. My children will never know you in person. Your memory will live on forever in my heart. William wishes he could have met you in person. Today he spent some time crying with me, feeling your loss with the rest of our family. He really enjoyed the time we spoke with you and Oupie on Skype. Oh granny how I wish you could've met him in person. I think you would've like him. He is being so strong for me. This whole week while I have been falling apart, he has been holding me up.

I'm so grateful that I was able to gaze upon your face once last time before all of this happened. That I got to talk to you a few weeks ago. Granny I need to apologise to you. I'm sorry I never called more when I was at mom and dads. It was just so hard for me to talk to you and Oupie on the phone. Only William has been witness to my tears and my sorrow at being so far from you, from not being able to talk to you all the time. I'm so sorry. It was just so hard for me. So terrifying hearing you and Oupie, knowing that one day this would happen. It was so hard for me to call and not be able to have long conversations with you and Oupie. To hear the sorrow in your voice or the illness that held you captive. I don't know if you knew granny but every time I spoke to you, I had to fight back tears and now they flow freely while my heart continues to break.

Granny I know that you will always be here and that you will never truly leave my heart. Please don't be sad that you have left us. Although we are all hurting a lot at this time we will eventually be ok given the right amount of time to heal. Don't cry for us but be happy in your new life.

Here is a beautiful song with some lovely lyrics that I want for you. Granny this I dedicate to you.
FLY - Celine Dion

" Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light. "

My angel and my Granny I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH. I hope that one day I will be able to visit you in South Africa again. I already know that one day we will be reunited in the house of our Lord Jesus Christ and that there will be no more sadness only joy. I look forward to the day that I can once again run into your loving arms. 

REST IN PEACE. 

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN.

11/09/2015

Your loving granddaughter...

xo